NAIVE or Just Plain Roasted?

There’s nothing quite like your first TDY—especially when it’s to Hawaii. Imagine a brand-new airman, fresh out of Basic Training and tech school, thrown into the mix with seasoned veterans. Spoiler alert: that was me. Let’s just say, I learned some “lessons” right off the bat.

Leaving our snow-covered home station (a chilly 20 degrees), I naturally dressed for the apocalypse—or at least a Rockies winter—in thermals. Because, hey, that’s what you do when it’s freezing! Cut to touchdown at Hickam Air Force Base, where the tropical sun laughed mercilessly at my over-preparedness with an unforgiving 85 degrees.

After refueling the jet and checking off the maintenance, the senior NCO disappeared to grab our rental car. When he came back, the mission priorities were immediately clear: detour to the Class Six for essentials (two 30-racks of beer, to be exact). Being the youngest and most gullible, I earned the “honor” of carrying both cases. Cue the hazing: every hotel guest we passed had the same question—“Where’s the party?” Spoiler alert: not with me, folks.

And, of course, I’m still roasting alive in my thermals. I’ve got a CD Discman that decides to play on its own, hands full of beer cases, and zero dignity left. To make matters worse, we mistakenly visited four different Ohana hotels before arriving at the right one. Pro tip: Hawaii seems to be running a Buy-One-Get-One-Free sale on hotel names.

Finally, we settled in. Just as I peeled off the thermals, I got a call from the senior guy: “Hey, wanna come have a few brewskis?” Sure, why not—my legs were still numb from schlepping beer. When I got to his room, he casually left the door on the deadbolt—security was apparently optional. Drinks in hand, we sat on the balcony, me thinking, Wow, I’m one of the guys now! Grown-up status unlocked!

Then he handed me binoculars. “For what?” I asked, genuinely clueless. “To see if anyone across the way is changing,” he replied, as though this was the most normal thing in the world. Um, excuse me?! Welcome to my introduction to awkward adult peer pressure.

But the real kicker? That same night, I was gifted a fake ID and we headed to a gentleman’s club. On the way, a random dude approached and asked me where he could “find some coke.” “Oh, there’s probably a vending machine in a hotel lobby,” I replied cheerily. His blank stare should’ve clued me in. Days later, it finally hit me: he wasn’t looking for Coca-Cola. My bad.

If there’s one takeaway from this story, it’s this: in the Air National Guard, you’ll get more life lessons in one week than some people get in a year.  Not bad for a NAÏVEairman roasting in thermals.

**I MAKE MORE IN A WEEK THAN YOU DO IN A DAY**

MasterSgt